WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS, I WANT TO SAY THANK GOD
IT'S FRIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THOUGH, I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE GOD'S THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN IN
CONTROL THIS WEEK BECAUSE THE NEWS IS A HELLSCAPE. YOUR KNOW THEY CALL THE
PRESIDENCY "THE BULLY PULPIT," SO FAR, DONALD TRUMP IS ONLY
DOING THE BULLY PART. ONE OF HIS VICTIMS THIS WEEK IS
ALASKA SENATOR AND SUMMERTIME MANAGER OF THE OVERLOOK HOTEL,
LISA MURKOWSKI. ( LAUGHTER )
MURKOWSKI WAS ONE OF ONLY TWO REPUBLICAN SENATORS WHO VOTED
AGAINST BRINGING THE G.O.P.
HEALTHCARE BILL TO THE FLOOR ON
TUESDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, YEAH. THAT CLAPPING MEANS YOU'RE NOT
DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE TRUMP TWEET-WEDGEIED HER:
"AND WITH THIS TWEET, I JUST LET THEM DOWN A LITTLE FURTHER. TOO BAD!"
OKAY, THAT'S TOUGH TALK. BUT SHE'S NOT UP FOR REELECTION
UNTIL 2022, SO HE'S GOT NOTHING ON HER, HE CAN'T THREATEN HER. WHICH IS WHY THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION HAS THREATENED RETRIBUTION AGAINST THE ENTIRE
STATE OF ALASKA OVER MURKOWSKI'S VOTES. HE'S GOT TO. BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP KNOWS THAT
BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE BEING IN PRISON– YOU'VE GOT TO WALK UP
TO THE BIGGEST STATE IN THE UNION AND JUST JACK 'EM. OTHERWISE, THE SENATE SMELLS
WEAKNESS AND TURNS YOU INTO THEIR SWEETMEATS FOR THE NEXT
THREE AND A HALF YEARS. BUT I'M SURPRISED TRUMP WOULD
THREATEN ALASKA. THEY'VE GOT A LOT IN COMMON. HE GOT HIS START ON REALITY
SHOWS, JUST LIKE EVERY CITIZEN OF ALASKA DID. APPARENTLY, MURKOWSKI AND
ALASKA'S OTHER SENATOR BOTH GOT A THREATENING CALL FROM INTERIOR
SECRETARY AND MAN WHO WANTS TO GET YOU INTO A USED PICKUP
TODAY, OKAY, WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE? RYAN ZINKE.
HE CALLED THE ALASKAN SENATORS
TO TELL THEM THAT THE VOTE HAD PUT ALASKA'S FUTURE WITH THE
ADMINISTRATION IN JEOPARDY. OH, COME ON! YOU CAN'T SCARE ALASKANS. THEIR STATE MOTTO IS "IF YOU
HAVE TO, EAT THE DOGS." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SO– I THINK THAT'S TRUE. IT'S IN LATIN. IT SOUNDS BETTER IN LATIN. SO TRUMP SENT ONE OF HIS GOONS
TO THREATEN PEOPLE WHO CROSS HIM. THIS ADMINISTRATION IS LIKE
ORGANIZED CRIME, EXCEPT FOR THE ORGANIZED PART. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S "NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS FELLAS." I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T TELL. IS DONALD TRUMP REALLY WILLING
TO THROW AN ENTIRE STATE UNDER THE BUS JUST BECAUSE HIS
FEELINGS ARE HURT? JIMMY, COULD WE LOOK AT THE
WHITE HOUSE TODAY? CAN WE ZOOM IN ON THAT FLAG? OH, THAT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. THAT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. PUERTO RICO, POLISH UP YOUR
RESUME..